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Sunday, January 10, 2010


How to Make an Ex Miss you so Much He or She soils His or Her Britches.

Henry O’Malley walks us through life’s gut-wrenching, brutal, agonizing, wanting desperation of the Ex.

“I tell them to leave the “S” out of Ex, but they do not obey my command (good advice). What is it without the “S”? Boring right? Oh, yeah, like you two were ever going to survive on thoughtful discussion and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. You all make no sense. I try to do my best by contributing to humanity my insightful, yet detached opinion. It is not my fault if one does not take my advice and acts like a schmooze, an ape, an animal. Read and learn…otherwise turn away and cry…suffer your loss like a wounded buffalo.” –Henry O’Malley expert relationship manipulator PHD.

Make an Ex Miss You like a Big Douche!!!!
You've decided that you miss your ex’s raunch smellin’ bed sore mouth and now you want him or her to miss your whale-ass smellin’ toothache as well. Making your ex miss you is not an easy task. It can be 1.Difficult, or maybe even 2.Impossible.

You know your ex’s body well enough to know that he or she is a tight-assed lumberjack, but have you ever opened up his or her skull to experience the real DIFFICULT, COMPLICATED, weird-ass shit? Now, what will work and what won't. Take these steps and apply what I think will work for you.
Difficulty: Moderately Challenging
1.      Step 1
Play to their cerebral pulse. You know what makes your ex’s mind tick. There are certain things that you can do to show that you care about him or her. Do the things they fear the most, the things that indicate you are the dominant: After all, you are no joke, and really, does this chap or chippy have the gall to make you miserable. Strindberg, no. Oh nothing.  You can also try to bring up the times you had him or her at your mercy. Yes, these memories that you share are very powerful and can induce an acute cataleptic state in the subordinate. The real work comes when your loved one is cataleptic. You must raise your voice and put your left hand over the area where your heart is embedded and scream “I call upon thee Roaring lion! Ruler of this world! Satan! Serpent! Son of the Morning! Spirit who now works in the sons of disobedience! Swine! Tempter! UNCLEAN Spirit! Wicked one! MY RIGHT LEG FOR HIS/HER SOUL!!!” be assertive. Be real. After all, who gives a hoot about a leg when you can CLAIM YOUR EX’S SOUL?
2.      Step 2.  Improve yourself.
It's time to step up your game. Nothing will make your ex miss you more than if he or she is made aware that you have finally showered and shaved after two-months. One sniff of dove or ivory or herbal assaults shall have them see that you are doing better than they are. Take a self inventory and see what you can scrub. Don’t think too hard! Think about your confidence, your style and your appeal. Dove, ivory, shampoo. We ain’t dealin’ wit no smell-ass loser now are we?
3. Step 3. Improve your looks.
After you improve yourself take a look in the mirror. UGH!!!! Would a haircut help? Probably not.  You need to lose weight. What can you do to make an improvement? A fast improvement? You’re stressed out? Well, that is only part of the fun of being emotionally entangled.  Your worth is always in your looks, but showering will at least help you get noticed.

4.      Step 4. Make them see what they are missing.
Now that you have shown them you care and made, well,  some improvements,  its time to show your ex what they are missing. Let them see you slightly more often the partial new you.

5.      Step 5. Act like you don't care.
It's a tough act to put on, but it is part of the game you have to play to make your ex miss you. By now you've already showed that you care, but now you have to stop acting like it. Stealth.  Hiding behind the drapery naked in the room in which your ex is performing the act of copulation with someone else is always alarming. An attention-getter for sure. Just before you sense the height of climax (for one, both, one or the other) jump out from behind your hideout and crash the chandelier screaming: “Father of lies! God of this World! LEVIATHAN! LIAR! Lucifer! Lying spirit! Mephistopheles! Murderer! Old serpent! Piercing serpent! I BANG MY BREASTS (bang your breasts) LEST YOU FORFEIT THIS PETTY KNAVERY!!”

6.  Step 6. Be happy and positive
Never be down or depressed. Your ex will think that your breakup didn't bother you and soil his pants all the way to China.  They will be drawn to the fact that you seem like you are ok and it’s no big deal. Just make sure to have your nervous breakdowns and pent up frustrations in the duvet: without the other present of course. You know?
7.      Step 7. Start dating someone else.
Once your ex is completely enamored with you, and you have given him or her just a tease of a taste of your succulent woman or male  faculties, start dating someone else. It’s time to move on and I can assure you, with high probability, your ex will miss you far more than you ever dreamed possible and end up committed for emotional trauma the remainder of his or her life. So! Nothing to worry! No Tommy-rot in the sac with good ole’ exy. The med-staff is rarely attracted to a slobbering invalid. Unless of course….well..nevermind.

8.      Step 8. Screw everyone.
You now have free reign. ATTACK! Have scummy brutal sex with anyone that brushes your shoulder accidentally with their tongue. Take pictures. Smile a lot. Keep the shower maintenance all dove and Irish spring. Go to visit your ex, yes, there slobbering and moaning sorrows, unable to walk for lack of nourishment. Wheel your ex to the garden of the asylum and say very positively: “My! The petunias have blossomed! But no flower could be more delightful than a few pictures that have recorded my last escapades.” And with that said reveal the intimate and rather dirty (shame on you!) photographs of yourself in several different positions of delinquent ecstasy writhing in the sweat of your rather attractive partner. Say a few words to ward off any suffering: reassure him or her that their body parts are, and always will be far dandier than those other blackguards you seduce.

9.      Step 9. The trauma in the wheelchair has soiled his or her britches. This is your exit. A quick peck on the neck (slight tongue brush) and all is well!

Okay! All should be fair weather with you! Just heed my advice! Have fun! Never doubt the words of an expert. I’m certified; therefore I know what is best. Here is my card in case you get into a rut and need some healthy cheer-leading! Lex Talionis!
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